The Bells of St. Stephen

The bells begin tolling ten minutes before Mass at St. Stephen’s Cathedral in Vienna. One bell at first in a steady, rhythmic peal. Then a second bell rings in a higher voice, sounding in its own cadence. Soon a third bell joins the chorus, this one even higher and faster. Then the bass tones chime in, one after another and another. Ten bells in all, rolling over one another in waves. Reverberating through the walls onfthe church, bouncing off the floor, echoing from neighboring rooftops, vibrating in my head and chest, carrying me off to distance places, to the outward rushing edges of the universe.

The joy of the Lord is strong, like a torrential river. It is forceful, like storm waves breaking against a cliff. The joy of YHWH is the power which drives creation and expands the universe. It rushes forward, accelerating, bringing matter and life into being. Truly, “of the increase of His government there is no end.”

We humans cannot fathom the tumultuous, unstoppable joy of God. We tend to think of joy mildly, as happiness, or contentment, or even hope for the future. But there is a visceral reality to God’s joy. A few years ago, in His great kindness and eagerness to be known, He granted me a taste of this joy.

It was a Friday afternoon when I was working hard to get dinner ready for guests. The house needed cleaning. Dishes needed washing. There were vegetables waiting to be chopped, but I was tired with a headache coming on. Determined to do my work, I kept rushing through the house, asking the Lord for help, telling Him how tired I was. It was prayer of sorts, I suppose. But honestly, I was surprised when the Lord responded. He had something to say.

“Amy,” He said. “You can keep on running around in your own strength and you will finish your work. People will come, and go, and you will be left with a headache, as you so often are. Or, you could let Me be your strength.”

Intuitively I understood this was an invitation to lie down and rest. More than an invitation, in fact. How could I be so ungrateful and rude as to refuse help from the Almighty? So I lay down on my bed.

Much to my surprise, the Lord had more to say. “Amy, what is your strength?” He asked.

“The joy of the Lord is my strength,” I replied.

Immediately, I felt a rush of energy hit my gut, rise up through my heart and run out of my mouth in a gasp. “So this is joy,” I thought. I didn’t know joy could hurt! It was His joy I was feeling, so real that it was physical, not only emotional. It was more than I could contain. I thought I might break apart, but what a way to go!

All the while I felt the Lord standing nearby laughing. On the one hand, I knew He was holding back. If I could not stand that trickle of joy, how would I, how we will we react when we experience the fullness of His joy? Our Father does hold back in His wisdom, for a season, until all things are accomplished. But someday we will see Him as He is, and He is more eager for that day than we are.

That was the other reason the Lord was laughing. I could sense how happy He was to give someone a small foretaste of the joy set before us all, the joy that issues forth from His very Being. The joy that imagined us and fashioned us, the joy that made Jesus despise the cross, the joy that will carry us home and wipe away every tear. The joy before which the universe must expand and make more room for Him to fill.

Hearing the bells of St. Stephen’s carried me back to that day when I felt, for an instant, the endless, raucous, rolling, creative joy of our God.

Franziskus

Franziskus was the highest ranking Catholic on the Wittenberg 2017 council.  He is a retired bishop, a gifted retreat leader, a brilliant intellect, and perhaps the most  childlike soul I know. To my shame, I did not speak with Franziskus the first two years of our gatherings.  I felt intimidated. Just looking at him from across the room, I could feel his genius. He was often deep in thought, quiet, thin with sharp facial features.  Franziskus was not comfortable conversing in English, and I was too shy to find a translator and engage him. After all, what did I have to say to a bishop?

But our relationship changed in Rome.  Franziskus was given the difficult task of presenting the Catholic doctrine of indulgences to an audience composed mostly of Protestants.  The talk was scheduled early in our meeting, just after lunch on our first full day. I made my way early to the meeting room to pray, as did Franziskus. We met in the hallway and he pulled me aside, asking me to pray for him.  Me? Pray for a bishop? I was uncomfortable to say the least. But how could I refuse? So I put my hand on his shoulder, the Holy Spirit came and met with us both. I will never forget his talk that day. It was full of humility and grace.  It opened hearts,  conversations, and understanding which paved the way for beautiful times of repentance and worship later in the week. Those brief moments in prayer also forged a bridge in my soul to my brother, an open door which has led to an ever deeper love.

Franziskus carries the sensitivity of a poet along with his more academic gifts. The way he interprets scripture fascinates me. He feels the movement of the gospel – where the Spirit is coming from and where it is going, what the Spirit is emphasizing in the moment. He also notices details.  I have learned from him that nothing is wasted in scripture. Details are not to be overanalyzed or fit neatly into symbols. But they serve the mystery. In March of 2017, I worked up the courage to ask Franziskus to pray for me, to ask the Lord for the grace he carries in understanding scripture.  He did, and he reminded me, “Amy, the Word of God is Living and Active.” Immediately I understood – Jesus is the Word, He is active, and He is available to teach us scripture Himself.

At our final Wittenberg gathering, Franziskus and I taught together, one message in two parts - God is Preparing a Wedding Feast. Franziksus went first.  The lighting on the stage was bright and rather disorienting. At one point in his talk, Franziksus looked out at the audience and forgot where he was.  But it did not phase him. He had his notes, so he carried on to the end, sat down and recovered his bearings.

Two days later, Franziskus led prayer for our group in the Wittenberg Catholic parish.  When our meeting was over, Franziskus walked out into the street, took one of our fellow council members by the arm and asked, “Excuse me, sir.  I do not know where I am. Could you tell me what town I am in and help me find my hotel room?” Franziskus did not recognize his friend and had no memory of the day’s events.

Thomas and I received a message that Franziskus was not well.  We rushed down to the courtyard of the building where we stayed to meet him. Our friend Cecily was with him.  Together we recounted the day’s events – we had walked in procession with a cross through the town, first to the Lutheran church and then to the Catholic church.  Sr. Joela spoke in the Stadtkirche and then he prayed blessings on the Catholics in Wittenberg at St. Mary’s. The whole time Franziskus smiled broadly, saying “Oh, that sounds very good!”  But he remembered nothing. We asked if he needed medical attention, but those who knew him better assured us he needed rest most of all. This had happened before.

We were concerned for our friend, but early the next morning at our leadership meeting, Franziskus showed up, ready to lead the final commissioning service.  Verena smiled when she saw him and said, “It is the resurrection!”

All the members of the council stayed in Wittenberg an extra day after the meetings.  To quote Verena again, we needed “a meal together and a good cry.” After a leisurely breakfast, we gathered for one last debrief, the final meeting of our seven year journey together. Sixteen of us sat around a large conference table sharing our most treasured memories from the gathering.   What Franziskus said that day became one of mine.

“Well,” he recalled, “Losing my memory was a rather fine experience.  On the first day I spoke about becoming a living icon – a picture of God’s grace.  And so I am thankful for a chance to practice what I believe. Someday my body and my brain will shut off.  Someone will come to lead me home, and then I will hear friends say, ‘This is the resurrection!’”

The whole time he spoke, he was grinning like a happy child.  His body was perfectly relaxed, at rest in his Lord. Franziskus had indeed become a living icon to us, his glory almost visible like a halo.  Here was a brilliant man who had no fear of losing his mind because he knew Jesus held him in safety. His peace glorified Jesus, challenged us all, and drew us together in love. That morning we all stepped into the mystery of John 17. “I have given them the glory that You have given Me, that they may be one as we are one.”  Thank you, Franziskus, for leading the way!

Ascension

Today we celebrate the Ascension of Jesus - the Son's return to the Father.

I had not planned to post anything, at least not on this subject.  I still want to write about my Wittenberg colleagues and the glory they carry. But this morning in mass I was so moved that I felt the need to express some of my wonder and joy in words.  These thoughts are directed to you, Jesus, my Lord, and though they are scattered and incomplete, still they make me love You more and long for the day we see you return just as You left!

When I was a child I felt no particular emotion about the Ascension.  It all seemed very logical to me.  You came to earth, died for our sins, rose again, and were done.  Nothing left to do.  So of course You went back to heaven to wait, like us. Wait for all the exciting stuff in Revelation to get started. 

You know, Lord, far better than I, how many gaps pock this early theology, but I think I got one thing right.  You sit in heaven at the right hand of the Father waiting, eagerly. Not that you are inactive as I once imagined.  Not at all! But You, like we, live in the tension of in-between, longing for a future which is certain and glorious, but not yet come to fullness.  Christ has died, Christ is Risen, Christ will come again. 

Because I have known You only in Your resurrected, glorified state, it took me several years to understand Your Ascension was a day of complex emotions for the disciples.  They were like Mary at the tomb, wanting to cling to You.  They loved You!   They knew You as a friend - as the best friend they had ever had, the best friend they would ever have.  They relied on You.  They worked for You!  And You were leaving them.

I am sure they rejoiced to see You glorified.  I am sure their hearts were bursting with wonder and awe!  I am certain they felt hope and purpose in Your words of commisioning.  But surely they felt some loss as well.

And what about You, Lord? Only recently have I imagined what a joyful day that must have been for You!  How You longed to embrace the Father, having done all He asked.  How the Father ached to see You clothed in Your rightful glory, in Your Victory!  How You rejoiced with Him together over the Bride You had saved.  And celebrated with the prophets and saints watching, waiting to welcome You home!  What giddy jubilation You and the Father must have felt sending the Holy Spirit upon men as promised, enabling them to know the mind of God - the seeming drunkeness of men at Pentecost only a pale shadow of the party in heaven. What a beautiful day, for us and for You!

But now, knowing more of Your unfathomable love, I dare to wonder if You also felt some pangs of grief on the day of Your Ascension?  As much as the disciples loved You, You loved them more. And this earth, humble as it is, was also your home.  You have two homes now, just as you have two natures.  And You are the Reconciler - bringing heaven to earth, taking men to heaven.  I can't wait to see the dwelling You have prepared for me in our Father's house, or the New Jerusalem coming down!

I wonder if Nathanael, when he saw You ascend, remembered the words You spoke when You first met him?

 “Because I said to you, ‘I saw you under the fig tree,’ do you believe? You will see greater things than these. Most assuredly, I say to you, hereafter you shall see heaven open, and the angels of God ascending and descending upon the Son of Man.”

Glory

I mentioned in my last post that I have not written much about the final Wittenberg gathering.  I still have stories I want to tell, stories about people I have come to know, fellow members of the Mystical Body of Christ. I want to write about these brothers and sisters and what I have learned from them, which requires some reflection on the topic of glory.

Glory is the glue which holds us together. The Mystical Body of Christ may be wounded, it may continue to suffer in various ways, but at the same time, it shares in the glory of our Lord.  Jesus gives us His glory – His power, His beauty, His goodness, His mercy, His holiness – for the sake of our unity.  He makes this point clearly, more than once,  when he speaks with His Father on the evening of His Passion.

“I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they might be one as we are one – I in them and you in me – so that they might be brought to complete unity. “ John 17:22

This is astounding!  And it challenges my thinking.  Is it really possible that we can carry the glory of Jesus?  That He wants us to?

Glory is hugely important to Jesus, and as He approaches His passion the hope of glory is foremost in His thoughts. Jesus uses the word “glory” or “glorify” seven times in John 17.  He prays to the Father to glorify Him, the Son, so that He may in turn glorify the Father.  Jesus tells His Father that He wants His friends to be with Him, to see His glory, the glory He had with the Father before the world began. He says that as He has brought the Father glory, the disciples have brought Him glory.  And He assures the Father in the hearing of His friends that He has given them the same glory which the Father gave to Him.

I do not often feel glorious. I am more in touch with my broken humanity, my aging body, and my sinful history than I am with my glory.  Only recently have I come to acknowledge the fact that I do carry Christ’s glory, not just as a future hope, but as a present reality. Growing up with a strong and right, emphasis on man’s utter dependency on grace, I have sometimes not considered all the gifts inherent in the nature of grace. Glory is one of those gifts which I think we Christians rarely unpack. But Jesus sincerely wants our unity and He says that glory is key to this unity.  He must be right, and in the course of our work with Wittenberg 2017 I have come to catch a glimpse of this beautiful truth.

There are saints on this earth who walk in Christ’s glory.  Their glory is cloaked, like Jesus’ glory was cloaked on earth, but they know Jesus well. They bear His image.  They speak with grace and truth.  They love.  They are filled with the Holy Spirit.  And when these saints meet one another, they share a bond, a close kinship in Christ.  We have met several of these saints in the course of our work with Wittenberg 2017- men and women, Jew and Gentile, Catholic and Protestant – all members of the Mystical Body of Christ, all partaking of His glory.

Often we Christians shy away from this word “glory” as it pertains to one another.  Aware of our weakness, knowing the temptations of pride and idolatry, afraid that somehow we detract from glorifying Jesus as our one and only Savior, we hesitate to acknowledge glory in the Body. But Jesus does not share this fear.  He tells the Father, “They have brought me glory.” He delights in sharing His glory with us.  It is for this reason that He came, and the glory which we carry, if we will, brings Him even greater glory.

Shortly before His Passion, Jesus took His three closest friends up a mountain where they were allowed to see, in part, for just a moment, the true glory of their Savior. He was transfigured in their sight.  His face glowed, His clothes became radiant. Peter, James and John were sore afraid.

But Jesus did not appear alone.  He had other friends with him – Moses and Elijah stood with Jesus wearing their true glory.  They glowed like Jesus.  They were also an awesome, fearful sight.  Peter, James and John were overcome with the beauty and power of the experience.  What could they say?  “Shall we build three tabernacles on this spot?”  Then the voice of the Father thunders, “This is my beloved Son with whom I am well pleased.  Listen to Him.”

We understand from this encounter that Jesus is greater than Moses and Elijah.  He is the only begotten Son of the Father.  But I find it fascinating that when Jesus has the opportunity to pull back the veil just a bit, He chooses to appear with friends. The glory that Moses and Elijah share with their Savior increases Jesus’ joy.  I believe that Jesus was not only giving his apostles a vision of His divinity, but also a preview of the Mystical Body of Christ, of the glory they will share in Him.

Jesus wants us to be with Him!  He wants us to share in His glory!  Because only in glory can we know Him as He truly is.  And only in glory will we know and love each other rightly.

the Mystical Body of Christ

Almost four months have passed since our final Wittenberg 2017 gathering and I have written little about it.  I have not put to paper or pixel any reflections on the event which for so many years blessed us, focused our energies, called us to prayer, consumed our time and resources, forged eternal friendships, and we pray, served as an instrument of healing for some members of the Body of Christ.  This surprises me.  I think I have not written because the path down which the Lord has led me since Wittenberg has also surprised me. He has taken me back to the beginning.

After the final W2017 meeting, I did not return home immediately.  Instead I traveled on to Austria and spent some time with our friends and co-laborers, the brains behind W2017, Hans-Peter and Verena Lang.  One night the three of us indulged in a bit of nostalgia, staying up late to look at pictures from past Wittenberg gatherings, six years of photos!  Then we kept going.  The Langs showed me pictures of a prayer journey they had taken in the summer of 2017 visiting sites in Austria where Anabaptists had been persecuted.  As they recounted their story, I remembered  teachings we heard at Wittenberg - about men  drowned for their faith, about women whose tongues were cut out for giving testimony of their relationship with Jesus, about children forcibly taken from parents -  and in the quiet of the Lang’s home, I began grieving the loss of these brothers and sisters.

The next morning I found myself on the floor in prayer, in sorrow, for our sin as a Church regarding the Anabaptists, but also for pain closer to home – for friends whose marriages were strained, for those suffering from loneliness, or depression, for those reeling from the trauma of abuse. As I lay before the Lord in this grief, I had a vision. I saw Jesus with His arms outstretched, head bowed in pain. Though He was not nailed to a cross, He was clearly in agony with gaping holes and bloody wounds in His body.  I understood immediately that I was seeing the mystical Body of Christ composed of many members throughout time, spread across the globe.  The wounds were the suffering of all who belong to the Head.  There were big gaps in the Body representing whole groups who had been persecuted –  Anabaptists, Coptic martyrs, early Catholic converts in Japan.  But there were also wounds for each individual member of the Body – those hurting from divorce or rejection, illness or injustice.  I understood that this image, though mystical, was very real.  Jesus does, in fact, hurt when the members of His Body hurt.  This is the beauty of our mystical union with Him, the depth of His love for us.

I continued gazing in awe of our Savior when something new happened.  The Holy Spirit, like a wind, began moving in and out of the wounds.  As the Spirit moved, the wounds were healed and strength returned to that part of the Body.  I was touched and awed at this Trinitarian mystery. The Father sends the Son to rescue a Bride, one which will become “flesh of His flesh.” Jesus submits to the will of the Father, even unto death.  The Holy Spirit ministers to the Son.  Jesus was conceived by the Holy Spirit, guided by the Spirit, rejoiced in the Spirit.  Now the Spirit renews and brings life to His mystical Body. This is glory of the Trinity in motion – as it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be.

My personal call to the ministry of reconciliation began nineteen years ago when Jesus, in His love, gave me a great gift. I experienced, for a moment, to the degree my mortal frame could bear it, the pain He feels over division in the Church.  So it was a bittersweet moment when He took me back to that place within days of our final Wittenberg gathering.  His Body is still suffering from many wounds, not just division.  I see with certainty now that Jesus spoke truly when He said that anyone who visits a prisoner or shares food with one in need ministers to Him.  This is the nature of the Body; it cannot be separate from the Head.  Neither can the Head fail to feel the pain, or the joy, of each member.

I know also that the Spirit is at work.  The Father will not leave His Son in this wounded state forever anymore than He would abandon Jesus to the grave.  This is excellent news for us!  As we share in Christ’s suffering, we also will share in His glory. He sends the Spirit to minister, to heal.   And so, since Wittenberg 2017 has ended, I cry all the more urgently, “Come Holy Spirit!”

The Exception

Jesus was tight lipped about His identity.  His mission on earth was to reveal the Father, so He kept His Messiahship secret.  But there was one exception…..

On a trip from Judea to Galilee, Jesus passed through Samaria, a strip of land inhabited by a people despised by “true” Jews.  Samaritans were held in contempt for their mixed blood lines, for their adulterated scripture, and for their unorthodox worship.  Jews would not associate with Samaritans, but they could not deny their kinship.  Samaritans were firmly rooted in the Land.

When Jesus arrived in the Samaritan village, He was tired. And thirsty.  And on a mission . This mission required privacy, so He sent the disciples away and He sat down by a well.  Not just any well, but Jacob’s well.  He waited there like Jacob, like Moses, like Abraham’s servant in search of a bride for Isaac ; Jesus waited for a woman to come draw water.

When she saw Him sitting so near the well, she must have been uncertain.  What was a Jew doing in Samaria?  In her space?  Perhaps she also waited, hesitated, busied herself doing nothing hoping He would move.  But He did not.  Exasperated, she pressed through to her task, trying to ignore His presence.

“Woman, would you give me a drink?” He asked.

Startled, she replied, “How is it that you, a Jew, ask me, a Samaritan woman, for a drink?”

“If you knew the gift of God and who is asking you for a drink, you would have asked Him and He would have given you living water.”

What an odd response…. yet inviting, intriguing. He sounded kind.  Who else would have spoken to this woman this way?  And what gift of God could she possibly imagine? But she knew better than to trust men.

“Sir,” she responded, “you do not even have a bucket and the well is deep; where then can you get this living water?  Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us this well and drank from it himself with his children and his flocks?”

Jesus must have smiled internally. She had no idea how much greater than Jacob He was!  But He restrained Himself.  Living water, the Holy Spirit, was the topic of this conversation. Staying on point He replied, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again;  but whoever drinks the water I shall give will never thirst; the water I shall give will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

Something was gripping the woman.  Surely this was all nonsense, but her heart was pounding.  Why?
There was no one around to hear, no one to mock, and so she dared.
“Sir, give me this water, so that I may not be thirsty or have to keep coming here to draw water.”

Jesus paused, touched by her thirst, by the faith He saw welling up in her. So He answered.

“Go get your husband.”

Oh…..cut to the heart once more!  Exposed.  No strength, no desire to run. 

“I have no husband.”

“You are right in saying, ‘I do not have a husband.’  For you have had five husbands, and the one you have now is not your husband. What you have said is true.”

She could have run. She could have denied the truth.  She could have accused Him.  But something held her there.  He spoke the truth, but He was kind.  He saw her. He knew her. She could not leave.

“Sir, I can see that you are a prophet.  Our ancestors worshiped on this mountain, but you people say that the place to worship is in Jerusalem.”

“Believe me, woman, the hour is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem.  You people worship what you do not understand; we worship what we understand, because salvation is from the Jews.  But the hour is coming, and is now here, when true worshipers will worship the Father in Spirit and truth; and indeed the Father seeks such people to worship him.  God is Spirit, and those who worship him must worship in Spirit and truth.”

The Father was seeking her!  This is what she heard.  The man said that she would worship God, in Spirit and in truth, though she was a Samaritan, though she could not enter the temple.  The Father was seeking people like her!  And at that moment, I think that living water began bubbling.  Could this be the One they were waiting for?

“I know that the Messiah is coming, the one called the Christ; when he comes, he will tell us everything.”

And then Jesus did smile, and He volunteered to this woman something He told no one else in scripture.

“I am He, the one who is speaking with you.”

Jesus told this woman who He was because Jesus is a Bridegroom seeking a Bride.  Like Jacob at the well.  Like Moses and Abraham’s servant.  He is seeking those who worship in spirit and truth.  He is the Husband the woman needs to call for her living water.  And her faith is like a drink of water to His soul.

Secret Messiah

There is one aspect of Jesus’ ministry which has often puzzled me.  Throughout the gospels He hides His identity.  Demons know who he is, but He commands them to keep quiet.  People Jesus heals have an inkling, but they are told to keep their story secret.  Peter makes his confession on behalf of the disciples that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, but  Jesus solemnly warns them to tell no one. 

Why would Jesus do this?  After all, He was here to save to the world, and the way I learned the gospel, believing that Jesus is the Son of God is the path to salvation.  So if I were writing the script, Jesus would have stayed on earth longer.  He would have held massive evangelism crusades, like Billy Graham. He would have told people clearly who He was, explained all the prophecies pointing toward Him, and given them a chance to “make a decision.” Because if believing that Jesus is the Messiah is the crux of salvation, shouldn’t He tell as many people as possible, as clearly as possible?  Why all the secrecy?

It seems odd from a human perspective, but looking through a Trinitarian lens, it is a glorious mystery!  Jesus came to earth to reveal the Father.  He came to manifest His name.   (John 17:6, Luke 10:22) YHWH has always been compassionate and gracious, abounding in lovingkindness and truth, slow to anger, quick to forgive, a righteous judge who will not leave the guilty unpunished.  In love He revealed Himself to Israel. He told them His Name.  But they feared the fire and the smoke; they trembled at the thunder of His voice; they could not see mercy, grace and compassion of His love.

So the Father asked His Son to go to His people, to take on their human flesh, to speak in a human voice, to touch them with human hands.  The Father asked His Son to heal their diseases and teach about the kingdom of heaven so they would come to know the God they feared.  He asked His Son to die a brutal death on the cross to leave no doubt about His love.  And in love, the Son said yes.

If Jesus had come announcing that Himself as the Messiah, everything would have been different. People had preconceived notions about  the Messiah and what he would do, what he should do, if he were in fact real.  Militias were already formed, waiting. Herod also had a plan. Religious folk were engaged in debate.  So if a man with Jesus’ reputation for miracles claimed to be the Messiah, gatherings of 5000 at the Sea of Galilee would have been a security threat.  And no one would have listened to Jesus’ teaching because they would be focused on politics and impending war. Who would have time for parables?  How could the lame have pressed through the crowds?

That was not Jesus’ plan.  He came to show us the Father. 

Jesus did, in fact, long to be known for He who was.  He was a Bridegroom coming to woo a Bride. But He determined to leave the revelation of His identity in the Father’s hand.  Toward the end of His ministry, Jesus took the twelve aside and asked, “Who do people say that I am?”  The disciples replied that the crowds said He was a prophet, maybe even Elijah come back to prepare the way of the Messiah.  And then Jesus asked the twelve directly, “But who do you say I am?”   Peter responded, “You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.”  And Jesus’ spirit soared, I believe, because Peter knew, but “flesh and blood had not revealed that to him.”  Jesus had not told him.  The Father opened the eyes of Peter’s heart.

This is the mystery of Trinitarian love.  The humility of God!  The Father sends the Son to reveal His nature.  The Son does not speak of Himself but points to the Father.  The Son does not set up a Kingdom on earth, or seek to make His name known.  Instead He ascends to heaven and entrusts this mission to the Spirit.  It is the Holy Spirit who reveals Jesus to men.  And as the Spirit opens our eyes to the Son, the Son leads us back to the Father, who will hand all authority over to Him.  What a beautiful dance of humility, honor and love!  This is our God.

Lamb of God

“Behold, the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world.”

This acclamation has been ringing in my ears, rising from my lips, filling my thoughts for the past few weeks. Now we are into Christmas and meditations on the Incarnation seem more fitting than those on Atonement, but the Spirit moves as it will.   Advent  2017 was for me a “little Lent,” more than I have known before – a time of repentance, reflection, and longing for a Savior.

I have been thinking about what it means to “take away the sin of the world.”  Why does John the Baptist say “take away” instead of “forgive” or “pardon?” Those are words which I heard more frequently in church growing up. Teachings on personal justification, the cross, and Christ’s sacrifice were plentiful, but I don’t recall hearing a sermon on this particular verse from John.

Before proceeding, I must warn the reader that I am no theologian.   What is written here is not meant as doctrine or a lesson in biblical languages.  I have never studied Hebrew or Greek.  Even so, I know the Holy Spirit delights in our contemplation of Scripture.  It is the Spirit’s work to grant wisdom and revelation.  I feel the Lord’s pleasure when I open  Blue Letter Bible and begin poking around, asking questions, so I am bold to record these thoughts for further contemplation.

The Greek word for “take away” used in John 1:29 is “airo” which means “to lift up” or “to lift and carry away.”  It is very similar to the Hebrew word “nasa” which also means “to bear” or “to carry.”  John the Baptist, of course, knew the Hebrew word “nasa.”  So did John the Evangelist who recorded, in Greek, this profession of Jesus’ identity.  Here is why that word “nasa” is so important.

In Exodus 34, when YHWH reveals the Name to Moses, He says:

"YHWH,  YHWH God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness,  keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, but who will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children and the children's children, to the third and the fourth generation."

The word translated “forgiving” in the Name of God is “nasa.”  A more literal translation might be “YHWH… who bears away iniquity and transgression and sin.”  When John the Baptist cries out “Behold the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world,” he ties Jesus to the name of YWHW in the ears of his Jewish audience.  Jesus emphasizes this connection to YHWH’s name when He prays to His Father in John 17.   “I have manifested Your Name.”  This was Jesus’ work on earth – to reveal the Father.  It has always been the nature of the Father to carry our sins. 

Is there a difference between “forgiving” and “taking away?” 

I know that God forgives sin, and I am beyond thankful that He does!  I desperately need forgiveness. I would die under the weight of guilt and shame without His mercy.  I long to be cleansed, changed and made pure.  I love Jesus for His sacrifice, for His personal promises.

But as I mature, I realize I need much more than personal forgiveness.   My sin hurts other people and personal justification does not heal the hearts of those I have wounded.  This world will never be right unless there is a Savior who can take away our sin, who can make all things new and set all things right.  I long for a Savior who will not only forgive me, but who can redeem the wrongs I cannot undo. Who will judge on behalf of the oppressed and lift the needy from the ash heap.  Whose salvation is so mighty, so complete that slaves stolen from Africa will bless His Name and rejoice forever in His justice.  A Savior so glorious that those lost in war, even in genocide, will count their sufferings as “momentary afflictions” in light of their joy and consolation. This world needs a Savior who can carry away the consequences of Adam and Eve’s primal sin – the sin which opened the door of death, sickness, and pain of all kinds.

In the in law of Moses, YHWH instructs Israel to observe a Day of Atonement once a year.  On this day of fasting and rest, three sacrifices are made.  A bull is sacrificed for the high priest’s personal sin and the sin of his family.  Then a goat is sacrificed for the sin of Israel. One goat for a whole people.  Rather amazing.  Regarding the blood sacrifice, the Lord says, “The life of a creature is in the blood, and I have given it to you to make atonement for yourselves on the altar; it is the blood which makes atonement for one’s life.”  This is the way I have grown up understanding the sacrifice of Jesus.  His blood makes atonement for my sin.  Thanks be to God!

But there is another sacrifice offered on the Day of Atonement - the scapegoat.  In this sacrifice a live goat is brought to the high priest who lays both hands on the animal’s head and confesses all the sins of Israel.  Verbal confession of sin is not necessary for the blood sacrifice, but it is required over the scapegoat which then carries Israel’s sin away.  Lev. 16:22 “The goat shall bear all their iniquities on itself to a remote area, and he shall let the goat go free in the wilderness.”   And yes, the word “bear” is “nasa.”  And the wilderness is where John the Baptist finds Jesus, the Lamb of God.

Jesus, I love you for taking away the sin of the world!  I long for You to return and make all things new. Merciful Father, YHWH , bearer of our sins, I believe You are true to Your word.  There is a day coming when “There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”  Even so, Jesus, Lamb of God, come quickly!

The Bride and the Cross - Part III

The Son was prepared for the wedding through the Incarnation and the Cross.

The Bride is also prepared for the wedding through the cross.

As we said earlier, a Bride and a Groom must share the same nature in order for a marriage to be valid.  The Son humbled Himself and took on flesh for His part.  But He was still sinless, and we were not.  The cross was necessary to take away our sins.

John the Baptist recognized Jesus as the Bridegroom.  And he understood that his own ministry prepared the way of the Bridegroom.  John called people to repent of their sins, and this was crucial. It remains crucial for prophets and pastors to call people to repentance.  But when John saw Jesus approach Him, John called out “Behold the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world.”  Friends of the Bridegroom call the Bride to repentance, but only the Lamb, only the Son, can take away her sin.

The cross is the means by which the Bride is washed clean.   The blood Jesus spilled on the cross takes away our sin. But the mystery of the cross runs even deeper.  In the Incarnation, Jesus took on our nature to become like us.  Through His death on the cross, Jesus invites us to partake of His nature.

Early church fathers saw a parallel between the creation story and the crucifixion.  In Genesis, God puts Adam into a deep sleep.  He then opens Adam’s side, removes a rib, and fashions Eve, his bride, from that rib.

In a similar way, Jesus was put into the deep sleep of death.  A spear pierced His side, and water and blood gushed forth.  Early church fathers saw the water and the blood as symbols of baptism and communion – the two signs by which Christians are marked and changed, separated from this world. This is the cleansing which transforms us into a fitting Bride.   Jesus said unless we eat His flesh and drink His blood, we have no part of Him.  These are shocking words, but the transformation which must take place is shocking.  We must take on His nature, and the cross provides the only path for this transformation.

So just as the cross is the glory of the Son, it is also the glory of the Bride.
But there is a further mystery of the cross.  Jesus calls the Bride to take up her own cross and follow Him

Here I want to tell you a funny personal story about my courtship with Thomas.

Thomas began pursuing me when were both in college.  He spent a few months in Taiwan, visiting his aunt and uncle who were missionaries, and while he was there, he remembered me from our high school youth group and decided I might make a good wife.  So when he came back to Texas, he started calling.

What he did not know is that I had just sworn off men.  While he was away, I was breaking off a serious, but unhealthy relationship with another boyfriend.  So when Thomas started calling me, my heart was still hurting.  I was afraid that I could not be trusted with romantic relationships.  I was afraid that God was disappointed in me.  I was simply afraid, and so I did not return Thomas’ calls.  Now I am not sure why, but Thomas kept calling, for a whole month, and I did not respond.

I did not respond because I did not want to mess up another relationship.  But I knew that Thomas was an exceptional man!  I admired him greatly.  In fact, I had once told myself, “I want to marry a man like Thomas Cogdell” – never imagining that the real Thomas Cogdell would be interested in me.  So I went to my former boyfriend who knew Thomas from church, I told him my situation, and that young man spoke the wisdom of God to me.  He said, “Amy, you would be a fool not to date Thomas Cogdell!”

So the next time Thomas called, I answered the phone and agreed to see a play with him and his sister. This seem to encourage him, so he proposed another date. Here was Thomas’ idea of a good second date.

“Amy,” he asked, “would you come with me next Saturday to an abortion protest and get arrested?”

What young man in his right man proposes a trip to jail as a first date?
What woman in her right mind accepts?

Well, I did.  I was arrested for criminal trespass and spent the night in a very dirty, uncomfortable cell. I went to another protest, was arrested again, and ended up spending 30 days in jail.  30 glorious days coming to know the tender heart of Jesus for His hurting sheep.  30 days in which I saw Jesus heal people.  30 days which changed the course of my life.  Those days in jail are a treasure to me.

I was thinking back on those early days of courtship with Thomas recently, wondering whatever made me say yes to such a proposal.  The truth is that I had not thought much about the tragedy of abortion before Thomas invited me to be arrested.  I did not go to jail out of passion for a cause.

I did not go to jail for love.  At the time, my heart was still numb.  I was not in love with Thomas.

But I did admire him.  I respected him.  I trusted him more than I trusted myself.  If Thomas thought going to jail was the right thing, then I felt it must be.  Even though I missed class.  Even though going to jail jeopardized my grades and put a mark on my criminal record. Even though it was a little scary.

When I was thinking about those days recently, I laughed to think how much my earthly husband resembles my Heavenly Husband, Jesus.  “Take up your cross and follow Me,” is a daring invitation to one’s Bride.  Most people will say “no thank you” to such an invitation.  The promise of suffering does not sound so romantic to our ears.

But Jesus is good and can be trusted.  And for those who will take up their cross and follow Him, their cross becomes their glory and their victory, just as it is the glory of the Son.

At the last supper Jesus is praying to His Father and He speaks these words which are so beautiful, so powerful that we hardly dare to believe them. The glory which You have given Me I have given to them, that they may be one, just as We are one. John 17:22

What is this glory? It is to be like Jesus, to share His nature and character. We partake in His glory when we manifest the name of the Father, like Jesus did.  We carry His glory when we are kind and merciful, when we forgive sin. We carry His glory when we proclaim good news to the poor and the captives.  We carry His glory when we practice justice and defend the weak.  But we carry His glory most clearly when we suffer with Him.  When we take up our cross and follow Him

The first apostles were martyred for their witness, and in their death, they carried His glory.  St. Francis fasted and lived in extreme poverty, and in that suffering he also carried the glory of Jesus.  Our Anabaptist brothers and sisters refused to fight in the military; they refused to even to defend themselves, and so they chose to embrace suffering for the sake of Jesus.  The world takes notice when people lay down their lives for Jesus.

For the past five years, Thomas and I have had the honor of partnering closely with a team of friends, of spiritual fathers and mothers, in this work of Wittenberg 2017.  I have seen the glory of Jesus in them – Catholics, Lutherans, Anglicans, Free Church brothers and sisters, Messianic Jews – and my heart is closely united with them.  I love them.  And in working with them, I have come to see the wisdom of Jesus.  Doctrinal discussion is good, but in itself, it will not bring unity. What unites us is the glory of Jesus.  When we carry His glory, we bear witness to His name – and if we love Him, we will love anyone who carries His glory.  And if we love Him fully, we will take up our cross and follow Him.  We will lay down our lives for one another, because that is the glory The Bridegroom shares with the Bride.

The Bride and the Cross - Part II

Part 2 of 3, from my Wittenberg teaching

The first step of the Son’s preparation for the Marriage was the Incarnation.   But there was another step which was necessary to prepare the Marriage and that was the Cross.

In the Cross the Son shows the depth of His love, His obedient trust in the Father and His humility.  The Father knew that our hearts could not be won with a show of power or a promise of heavenly riches. No. The Song of Songs says, “If a man gave all he owned for love, it would be utterly despised.”  The Father knew that we needed to see the depth of His love for us, and so He sent His only Son to die.
At the last Supper Jesus tells us what we already know. “Greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.”  And then He says that we are His friends.

In the Passion Jesus not only died for us, but He suffered unimaginable pain and humiliation. He took on all sorts of suffering that men know. He was betrayed by a friend.  He was unjustly accused.  He was mocked. He was beaten.  He was tortured and humiliated.  The God who made the universe was stripped naked and died.  He suffered without complaint.  He died without regret.  Because this is what the Father asked.  And the Father asked because He knew the joy it would bring the Son.

In John 10 Jesus says this…  For this reason the Father loves Me, because I lay down My life so that I may take it again.  No one has taken it away from Me, but I lay it down on My own initiative. I have authority to lay it down, and I have authority to take it up again. This commandment I received from My Father.”

And again in John 14, I will not speak much more with you, for the ruler of the world is coming, and he has nothing in Me;  but so that the world may know that I love the Father, I do exactly as the Father commanded Me.

The cross proves to us how much the Son loves the Father.   And it should prove to us beyond doubt that we are loved, that we are treasured, that we are greatly desired – by both the Father and the Son.

I have often had trouble contemplating Jesus on the cross.  It was just too scary to imagine the Lord in that place, and to think that this was the result of my sin.  But in the past year Jesus has helped me to see the cross differently – as an expression of the depth of His love – and when I look at Him that way, my heart burns with desire for Him, that He should receive the reward of His suffering – that He should have my whole heart – my tongue and my thoughts to give Him praise – and my body to serve His people.

I believe the enemy does everything in his power to keep us from looking on the cross ,  or to distort our image of it.  If we feel fear or shame or condemnation or anything but love when we look on the cross, then I think we are missing God’s heart.  I believe that Jesus wants us to see His love, and the Father’s love when we look on the cross.  So today, I encourage you, if you have not been in the practice of contemplating the cross, of looking on your Savior in the place of His sacrifice, then ask the Holy Spirit to help you see Him there.

 Because the cross is the victory and glory of the Son! By the standard of the cross, Jesus has the right to release His Bride from sin, from slavery, and from death.  There is no tongue in heaven or hell that will deny Jesus’ authority to claim His Bride. The wounds on His Body silence the tongue of the Accuser.  And anyone who is not moved by those wounds, anyone who refuses to bow and kiss the Son, is unworthy of the Wedding Feast.

The Bride and the Cross - Part I

God is preparing a Wedding.

Perhaps this seems an unusual theme for a gathering marking the 500th anniversary of the Protestant Reformation, but is how we felt led to begin our final Wittenberg 2017 meeting.  Only the Father's desire, the Son's prayer and the Spirit's preparation are strong enough to make us one as the Father and Son are one. Human dialogue will always fall short.

Over the next few months I intend to write more about our final gathering - personal stories, images I carry with me, lessons I have learned.  Today I would like to share the first part of the teaching I gave at the conference.  It begins without introduction as my talk was really the second part of teaching begun by my brilliant friend and brother, Bishop Eisenbach. 
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Brothers and Sisters, we must understand that this wedding is no metaphor. It is real, and God’s heart is set upon it.  Father, Son and Holy Spirit are all focused on bringing this wedding to completion.

We must dare to believe that scripture is true.  That we are created in the image of a God who is love, and who strongly desires to be loved.  Every desire in our heart to know and be known comes from Him and ends in Him.  He is the Alpha and Omega.  This is why God calls us His children, why Jesus calls us His brothers and sisters, why He calls us servants, His friends and  His bride.  We have a deep longing for all these kinds of love – most of all for the love which unites us in eternal intimacy – the love which completes us – the love which woos our hearts – the love which bears fruit and multiplies.

And the truth which is hard for us to believe, hard for us to imagine, is that God desires this union even more than we do.The Father created us for this union with His Son. He knows this union will bring Jesus joy, and it will bring us joy beyond all we could imagine or hope for.  But the fulfillment of the Father’s plan is costly because love always requires sacrifice.  It is perilous, because God has an enemy.  And so, as Franziskus said, both the Son and the Bride must be prepared.

The Incarnation
We know that Jesus, the second Person of the Trinity, is God’s only begotten Son.  He is Light from Light, True God from True God.  We men are created, not begotten.  We are made of dust. We are small, and weak, and weighed down with the pain of our sin. 

We also know that for a legitimate marriage to occur, the Bride and the Groom must share the same nature.  In the Garden of Eden, the Lord brought before Adam all the kinds of animals for him to name, but among all the animals, no suitable helpmate was  found. Adam needed a mate who was flesh of his flesh.

The Son needs a Bride who shares His nature, and so the first act of the Son’s preparation is the Incarnation. Paul tells us this mystery, rooted in the creation story. “ For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.  This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.”
Eph 5:31-32

This mystery is great indeed! The Father made us to fulfill the desire of His Son to be loved, to have a fitting helpmate.  And He knew that the joy of the Son in His Bride would be so great, that He sent Him away from His presence – away from the glory and power that was rightfully His – to become one of us.

When the Jesus was born as a man, he became dependent on men.  This was the Father’s plan. Jesus relied on Mary every day of His infancy and childhood.  His mother fed Him; clothed Him; taught Him how to talk. She also taught Him how to navigate the pain  of life in a fallen world. I am sure that Jesus fell down and skinned His knees.  Mary washed and bandaged them.  I am certain that other children hurt Jesus feelings.  Mary comforted Him , defended Him, taught Him how to respond to the pain of teasing and rejection.

Jesus depended on Joseph. Joseph saved Jesus’ life.  He left his business, his friends all the security he knew and fled to Egypt to save the child who was not his own biological son.  Joseph provided for Jesus.  He taught Jesus to work with His hands. Jesus learned obedience living under Joseph’s authority.

And so Jesus came to love his parents, just as we love ours, only more so, because He is Love. 

Jesus had friends whom He loved.  Friends who left everything to follow Him.  Friends who listened and learned from him.  Friends who gave money to support Him.  Friends who, in the end, gave their lives for Him.  Friends with whom he wanted to share His Kingdom. Jesus loved His friends, just as we love ours, only more so, because He is Love.

This was the Father’s plan in the Incarnation – for the Son to become dependent on the Bride – to learn to love her in the flesh, not looking down from heaven, but face to face.  And this is the mystery of being the Body of Christ, that the Son continues to depend on us – to work mercy on the earth, to preach the gospel, to heal the sick and cast out demons.  In doing these things, we become a suitable helpmate to our Savior, and this a beautiful thing.  Jesus tells us in Matthew 25 that when He comes again in glory to judge, He will say to His Bride, “ ‘Come, you who are blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world.  For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in;  naked, and you clothed Me; I was sick, and you visited Me; I was in prison, and you came to Me.’ "

Brothers and sisters, this is another glorious mystery! When we minister to one another, we minister to Jesus, like His friends did on earth.  In this way, He comes to know us, we come to know Him, and as we come to know Him, we will love Him more. And He will be jealous for us.  As He said in the gospel of Luke, we will be to him “His mother, His brothers and His sisters.” Luke 8:21

An Unusual Courtship

Thomas picked a bad time to start wooing me.  I had recently broken up with a serious boyfriend and my heart was still hurting.  Furthermore, I had decided I was too broken and immature to be trusted with romantic relationships.  I was resolved to keep focused on the Lord and my studies for the next few years.  No more men for me!

So it is a good thing that Thomas’ tactics were unconventional.  He arranged our first date by means of a ruse.  He had recently returned from a long trip to Taiwan and China, so he invited me and several others from our church over to see slides.  I should have realized that 2:00 pm was too early for an old school slide show.  I showed up several hours before anyone else and we went to see a UT basketball game.  That day Thomas declared no romantic intentions, and I gave him no encouragement.

Even so, he began to call.  I was frozen in fear, unable to answer the phone or return his calls.  The irony was that I had told God a few years earlier that I hoped to marry a man “like Thomas Cogdell.”  I never  imagined the original  Thomas would be interested in me!  Now here he was, knocking on my door, and my heart was numb.

I went to see my old boyfriend who knew Thomas from church.  I told him my situation and he spoke the wisdom of God to me. “Amy, you would be a fool not to date Thomas Cogdell!”  So the next time Thomas called, I picked up the phone and agreed to see a play with him and his sisters.

Encouraged by two “sort of” dates, Thomas proposed a third – and it was a doozy.  “Would you come with me next Saturday to an abortion protest and get arrested?”

What man in his right man thinks going to jail together is an appealing start to courtship??  What woman in her right mind accepts?
I did.  I showed up the next Saturday morning, sometime in early 1989, to stand in silence for several hours in front of an abortion clinic.  I was arrested for criminal trespass and taken to city jail where I spent the night.

A Catholic priest going limp before his arrest.

Over the next few months, I went with Thomas to other abortion protests.  I was arrested again and sentenced to 30 days in jail.  Thomas was arrested four times and sentenced to six months in jail, though he served some of that time through community service.

While Thomas was in jail he wrote me long love letters on toilet paper.  He painted pictures for me using the dye on M&M’s, dissolved in water, applied to paper with the soft end of cardboard matches (all items you could buy from the commissary.)   And he decided to ask me to marry him. It was a fruitful time for him and for me.

Recently I felt the Lord ask me this question.  “Amy, why did you go to jail?”

That made me think.  It was not passion for a cause.  Truthfully, I had not given much thought to the tragedy of abortion until Thomas invited me to be arrested.

It was not for love. Though I was officially Thomas’ girlfriend at my first arrest, my heart was still numb.  It took a few more months and a glorious camping trip to Big Bend for me to fall in love.

So why did I agree to such a crazy date?  This is what the Holy Spirit told me….

“Amy, you went to jail because you trusted Thomas, more than you trusted yourself.  You respected him. You assumed that whatever he did was right.  You adopted his passion because you wanted to do what was right.”

And then I heard the tender voice of Jesus chime in….

“And that is why you have followed Me.”

I laughed because Jesus is always right.  I have not always loved Jesus the way I love Him now. In fact, my heart has often felt numb. But I have always believed that He is good.  I wanted to be good too, so I followed Him. Not perfectly, of course.  And not whole-heartedly at all times.  I have sometimes doubted.  I have also been confused, even offended, by His words.  But I have never known anyone nearly so good, so righteous, so wise as Jesus, so I’ve followed. And the longer I follow, the more I love Him.  The more confident I am that He loves me; that He is, in fact, Love.

It seems that my dear husband Thomas and my Divine Bridegroom have a lot in common.  “Take up your cross and follow me,” is a daring proposal to one’s Bride.  But those who trust will not be disappointed!

Finally in love, on a trip to New Mexico with my parents, August 1989.

Pleasing vs Enjoying

 Let us learn, therefore, to be men of wisdom and to honour Christ as he desires. For a person being honoured finds greatest pleasure in the honour he desires, not in the honour we think best. Peter thought he was honouring Christ when he refused to let him wash his feet; but what Peter wanted was not truly an honour, quite the opposite!  - St. John Chrysostom

Some months ago I heard a marriage counselor speak at Hope Chapel on the topic of sexuality. He presented an idea which has changed the way I relate to God, and to my husband as well. He began by posing this question to the men. "What is more exciting and fulfilling to you as a lover - having your wife work hard to please you, or knowing she really enjoys your touch?" The answer is clear.  We all want to be enjoyed more than we want to be pleased.

The problem with trying to please a person is that we can never truly know when we succeed.  We cannot get inside another person's head.  But we are fully aware of our own pleasure, and we can communicate that.

God is a Lover.  Scripture says so.  Jesus became a man to woo, to win and cleanse a Bride. There is no more romantic story than that! As a Bridegroom, Jesus delights when we enjoy His presence, just as He loved Mary's attention when she sat at His feet in Bethany.  Mary chose what was best for her, certainly, but also what Jesus most desired.  This is what He still desires - the affection of the Beloved.

Of course there are many ways to honor and please our Lord.  Jesus is not only a Bridegroom. He is our Lord, our Teacher, our Savior and our Brother.  It is right that we should serve Him with the work of our hands, as Martha did.  In fact, this practical labor will serve as a basis for judgment. Jesus tells us that whoever feeds the hungry, clothes the naked, cares for  the sick and visits the imprisoned renders that kindness directly to Him. (Matt. 25)  It is beautiful that Jesus identifies with us this closely, and in doing so, He binds us to one another.

In doing the will of the Father, we become mothers, brothers and sisters to Jesus. This is a glorious calling!  Still, there is a deeper intimacy which Jesus longs for, but cannot demand, and that is simply to delight in His presence.

Fire and Flood

A photo of me walking through our 35th St. duplex after the fire. March 31, 1996

I mentioned in my last post that Thomas and I lost a home to fire when our first two children were very young. Fires are traumatic.  We didn't sleep well for awhile.  I had trouble leaving the house. Letting my children out of sight was harder still, even when they were in the care of trusted friends or family.  The biggest stress was a lack of privacy. Though we were able to move into the spacious Cogdell family home, it was not our own. I, more than Thomas, felt the strain of being a guest; and sadly, I passed that stress along to the little ones. Overnight our family patterns changed.  I no longer allowed Noah to get his own snacks, or make messes in the living room.  I felt uncomfortable taking a nap in the middle of the day, and since I wasn't sleeping well at night, I was chronically tired. I cringed every time the kids cried, worried about bothering Thomas' parents because I knew that they too had lost a great deal of peace and privacy.

But that fire was also a blessing we would not trade. Through it we learned how much we were loved, and how beautiful the Body of Christ can be. Before we could ask for help, people from our church were on the scene. They saw we were too overwhelmed to make decisions, so they quietly went to work, looking for tasks to do.  A group of women gathered every dish that was not broken, distributed them among themselves, and took them away.  A few weeks later they were returned, scrubbed clean from any trace of soot.  I cried knowing what a labor of love that was. Removing soot is no easy job!

Someone else bagged clothes that were not burned and took them home to wash.  Not many clothes were salvageable, but what a gift it was for someone else to do the sorting! The Red Cross showed up within hours, giving us coupons for food, shoes and a new mattress. Friends brought meals. Caroline took our children to play at her house while Phillip came with a giant shovel and scooped  ash off the floor.  I am not sure why that particular act of kindness touched me so much, but I will never forget the sight of Phillip wielding that shovel. I would not have had the energy or even the thought to clear the floor; but his quiet, solemn work brought order in the midst of chaos. It felt holy to me, rather like a burial.

I remember lying in bed talking to Thomas about how much love had been lavished on us.  We were humbled, changed, woven more closely into the Body of Christ by this great debt of love. I asked my husband several times, "What happens when a whole community is struck by disaster?  When everyone is so overwhelmed that there is no one to help? How do people survive without this kind of love?"

When I see photos of the flooding in Houston, this questions comes to mind again.  What happens when an entire city is traumatized? How will they experience the love of Christ and the provision of their Father in Heaven?

In the past 20 years I have become more confident of the Father's ability to provide in the wasteland.  I pray with hope that many brothers and sisters will experience Hurricane Harvey as a blessing as well as a trauma.  I know this will not be the case for all.  Much will depend on the way the Body of Christ responds to this disaster.  I am praying that we will love like the Good Samaritan, like Jesus has loved us.  Kindness like we experienced after our fire changes lives.

The homily from today's Office of Readings is particularly apropos.

From a homily on Matthew by Saint John Chrysostom, bishop.

Do you want to honour Christ’s body? Then do not scorn him in his nakedness, nor honour him here in the church with silken garments while neglecting him outside where he is cold and naked. For he who said: This is my body, and made it so by his words, also said: You saw me hungry and did not feed me, and inasmuch as you did not do it for one of these, the least of my brothers, you did not do it for me. What we do here in the church requires a pure heart, not special garments; what we do outside requires great dedication.

  Let us learn, therefore, to be men of wisdom and to honour Christ as he desires. For a person being honoured finds greatest pleasure in the honour he desires, not in the honour we think best. Peter thought he was honouring Christ when he refused to let him wash his feet; but what Peter wanted was not truly an honour, quite the opposite! Give him the honour prescribed in his law by giving your riches to the poor. For God does not want golden vessels but golden hearts.

Lord, have mercy!

The Wisdom of a Grandmother

When our oldest child Noah was three years old and our second child Peggy had recently turned one, the duplex we were renting caught fire and burned.  Thankfully we were at church at the time.  No one was hurt, and being a young couple fresh out of school, we had few material possessions to lose.  But most of what we did have, including our son's toys, was lost.

Money was tight and our needs were great, but the highest priority in my mind was Noah. The day after our fire I took him shopping at the local toy store and told him he could pick one item to take home (as I said, money was tight.)  His choice was easy.  He had eyes only for a fancy plastic sword with a sheath. Nothing else in the store tempted him.

On the one hand, this was a relief.  The object of his desire cost less than $5.00.  On the other hand, his choice threw me into a moral crisis.  Being young, we were not only poor, we were zealous idealists who had no intention of letting our children play with weapons. We valued life and could not see how pretending to kill (and what else does one do with toy guns and swords?) could be consistent with the commandment "Thou shall not kill."

I can and do deny many of my children's requests. However, that day I could not bring myself to say no.  Instead, I asked to borrow the store phone (this was in the olden days, before cell phones) and called my husband at work to get his permission.  I made Noah promise the clerk to bring the sword back if he ever hit anybody with it.  Then we went home - a happy boy and a troubled mother.

Home at that time was with Thomas' parents.  We moved in with them the night of the fire. More than once their beautiful house on 31st St. served as a refuge in time of need. At dinner that night I continued to process my doubts about the sword with John and Ann and Thomas. I must have prattled on a long time before Ann gently redirected my thoughts.

"Amy," she said. "I think that Noah is feeling out of control right now.  When he carries his sword, I think he feels empowered. I think that sword helps him feel secure."

What wisdom!  And what a great help!  Not only did Ann give me a valuable lesson in child psychology, she showed me how important it is to look at situations through my children's eyes. She taught me that my inexperienced idealism (not my core beliefs, but my one-sided, untested opinions about their application) needed to take a back seat to my children's needs.  And the obvious corollary was that I should be slow to judge other parents' choices.

I am forever grateful for those lessons.  But I am even more grateful for the real, immediate covering Ann offered my son in his time of need.  Noah strapped that sword to his side and it became a constant companion.  Ann was exactly right.  He needed to kill some imaginary dragons and bad guys.  He would need to fight them for several years.  At eight and nine years old, in times of stress, Noah would still strap on a sword and go jump on the trampoline.

People who know us now laugh at hearing this story.  Our sons' room is a veritable arsenal of swords, bows and an odd air rifle or two.  But our sons are not violent.  In fact, I think they are more at peace having killed scores of imaginary enemies.

Ann passed into life eternal early Monday morning.  Many people will remember her grace, her love of beauty, her music, her hospitality and her devotion to her Lord.  Far fewer would imagine, I suspect, that she gave our children "permission" to have such an active fantasy life filled with war and weapons.  We are forever grateful!

Grannie Annie playing Apples to Apples at her 50th anniversary party. She was very proud of winning those two cards.

Litany to YHWH

YHWH, God of Salvation, I thank You.
YHWH, God of Righteousness, I praise You.
YHWH, God of Judgment, I fear You.
YHWH, God of Humility, I bow before You.
YHWH, God of Mercy, Grace and Compassion, I love You.
YHWH, Giver of Life, I rejoice in You.
YHWH, God of Holiness, I worship You.
YHWH, Creator God, I marvel at Your works.
YHWH, Bridegroom God, I yearn for You.
YHWH, Healing God, stoop down and touch me.

Instruction in the Night

I will bless the LORD who has counseled me; indeed my mind instructs me in the night. Psalm 16:7

Far too lately have I become convinced that spending time with God is the most practical solution to my daily problems.   I am learning that He is far more interested in our lives than we dare to hope, and vastly more knowledgeable. The roots of my anxieties usually do not lie where I think they do, and my solutions are rarely as effective as I imagine.  But I am learning that if I am patient, the Father has a plan. He can instruct me even in my sleep.

A couple of weeks ago I had an unusual dream. It was an instructional video of sorts on the methods of a particular demon.  In the dream I saw a man walking down a street.  There was a demon, like a shadow, hovering over and behind him.  Every move the man made the demon would mimic. If the man moved his arm, the demon’s arm moved right behind his. If he kicked a can, the demon’s leg was right behind his.

The man was unaware of the demon, though he certainly felt its presence.  He experienced the demon as stress or anxiety – a sense that he could never get a break.  And this was the demon’s tactic.  It stuck to the man like a tar baby until he reached a boiling point of pent up stress and anger.

At this point in the dream another man came on the scene.  He was a friend, a Christian brother.   The subject of my dream did not see his brother approaching, but the demon did, and just as the friend came in range, the demon struck his man hard on the side of the approaching friend.  The man jerked around to see what had hit him and saw his brother. All the pent up anger in the man exploded on the unsuspecting brother.   Of course, the brother was offended and struck back.  The fire grew and the demon smiled.  Mission accomplished.

Interesting.  As Thomas and I have engaged in the work of reconciliation, we have discovered that the majority of stumbling blocks which divide individual Christians are personal rather than doctrinal. This is not to make light of doctrinal issues.  Theological dialogue has an important place in the work of reconciliation.  However, the most painful divisions we experience are often within our own churches and families. Recognizing the demonic forces behind these would be helpful, I thought.

But as it happened, this was not the end of the lesson, nor the main point of the Father’s instruction.  The following night I lay down prostrate to pray before bed.  I have been praying this way morning and night for over a year now, and it has become a place of great joy and stability for my soul.  My only intention in these prayers is to worship God, to bring Him thanks and praise at the beginning and end of each day.  But sometimes the prayers continue and wander into intercession, or conversation. On this particular night, the Holy Spirit led me in an unexpected direction.  I saw a replay of the dream with the demon, then I saw myself in a vision, lying prostrate in prayer.  I understood that while the demon could mimic every other position a man might take, it could not lie prostrate in worship of the Father.  At that point it had to lift.  Furthermore, when the demon lifted, so did the stress or anxiety it caused.  And because the demon worked slowly, building stress to a boiling point, its effectiveness was severely limited by frequent worship in this prostrate position.

Then best of all, I felt the blessing of my Father. I understood that He was showing me a dynamic already at work in my soul, the fruit of this past year of prayer. I realized that though I have had several trials and challenges, and some points of failure in the past year, I have not felt chronically stressed or anxious. This is a change, and a gift, and a strong motivation to prostrate myself in worship all the more often.  Our God is good, and holy and gracious, and a very wise counselor!

John The Baptist

Today Catholics celebrate the birth of John the Baptist.  It is a day observed with greater honor than the feast days of most other saints - a solemnity rather than a feast. It is a day especially close to my heart as we have a son named after John, the Messiah's Forerunner, the flesh and blood cousin of our Lord.  Around 1600 years ago,  Augustine of Hippo wrote a beautiful homily for this occasion which touches on many themes the Spirit has been highlighting to me. Below is an  excerpt from that sermon followed by some reflections of my own.

The Church observes the birth of John as in some way sacred; and you will not find any other of the great men of old whose birth we celebrate officially. We celebrate John’s as we celebrate Christ’s. This point cannot be passed over in silence, and if I may not perhaps be able to explain it in the way that such an important matter deserves, it is still worth thinking about it a little more deeply and fruitfully than usual. John is born of an old woman who is barren; Christ is born of a young woman who is a virgin. That John will be born is not believed, and his father is struck dumb; that Christ will be born is believed, and he is conceived by faith.

I have introduced these points even if we are not up to examining all the twists and turns of such a great mystery, either for lack of capacity or for lack of time. You will be taught much better by the one who speaks in you even when I am not here; the one about whom you think loving thoughts, the one whom you have taken into your hearts and whose temple you have become.

 John, it seems, has been inserted as a kind of boundary between the two Testaments, the Old and the New. That he is somehow or other a boundary is something that the Lord himself indicates when he says, The Law and the prophets were until John. So he represents the old and heralds the new. Because he represents the old, he is born of an elderly couple; because he represents the new, he is revealed as a prophet in his mother’s womb. You will remember that, before he was born, at Mary’s arrival he leapt in his mother’s womb. Already he had been marked out there, designated before he was born; it was already shown whose forerunner he would be, even before he saw him. These are divine matters, and exceed the measure of human frailty. Finally, he is born, he receives a name, and his father’s tongue is loosed.

 Zachary is struck dumb and loses his voice, until John, the Lord’s forerunner, is born and releases his voice for him. What does Zachary’s silence mean, but that prophecy was obscure and, before the proclamation of Christ, somehow concealed and shut up? It is released and opened up by his arrival, it becomes clear when the one who was being prophesied is about to come. The releasing of Zachary’s voice at the birth of John has the same significance as the tearing of the veil of the Temple at the crucifixion of Christ. 

I love this image of the Zechariah's tongue being loosened at John's birth.  It is true that the prophets had been silenced for centuries before the birth of Jesus.  It was a season of waiting, of darkness, like a womb.  But when the Messiah came, it was time to prophesy again - not so much about what would come in the future, but to bear witness to the One who was, and is, among us.  

John the Apostle explains that "the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy." (Rev. 19:10)
Thus prophecy had to accompany the birth of the Church just as it had heralded the birth of the Messiah.  At Pentecost and the Spirit of God fell upon men and women, old and young, slave and free, such that they all found themselves prophesying. (Acts 2)  This was a fulfillment of Joel's vision, and the great hope of Moses. "Would that all the Lord’s people were prophets, that the Lord would put His Spirit upon them!” (Num 11:29)

It is clear from Paul's writings that the gift of prophecy, along with other gifts of the Holy Spirit, flowed freely in the first century church.  If the spirit of prophecy is truly the testimony of Jesus, then this makes sense.  The prophetic voice is vital to the preaching and reception of the gospel. However,  as the Church became more established and more comfortable, it seems the gifts of the gifts of the Spirit became quieter and more rare.  Not unlike, perhaps, the silence in the days before John the Baptist.

Then about 100 years ago, a fresh outpouring of the Holy Spirit began moving upon the Church through the charismatic renewal.  This widespread experience of the Holy Spirit spread rapidly across racial boundaries, language barriers, geographical and denominational lines.  Once again common people were prophesying.

My great hope is that this move of the Holy Spirit is like John the Baptist's voice calling in the wilderness, "Prepare the way of the Lord!" My belief is that the Spirit is working to make ready a Bride for Jesus.  My prayer, as Paul recommends, is that the Church  earnestly desire this work of the Spirit and long for the greater gifts, like prophecy.  Then, I believe the Bride will be able to cry out with the Spirit, "Come quickly, Lord Jesus!"

 John the Baptist once described himself as "the friend of the Bridegroom" so I am certain this his prayer.

A Second Conversation: On the Topic of Lying

The last week of March and first week of April I was laid up in bed, on narcotics, recovering from surgery.  I must have been more pliant than usual in this state because the Lord took the opportunity to work on some painful places in my soul - feelings and false beliefs which began forming in early childhood.  Below is a conversation I had with my Father one day as I lay in bed.

"Amy, what other sins did you commit in your childhood?" (This was part two of a conversation begun a few days earlier.  For the record, my first sin was stealing, but that is a different topic.)

"I lied," I responded.

"Yes, but you did not lie to manipulate or get your own way.  Why did you lie?"

"I lied when I was afraid or ashamed."

"And why is lying evil?"

"Because it is contrary to Your nature."

"And what is My nature?"

"Your nature is love."

As soon as I said those words, I realized how much I was like Eve. At a very early age,  I also heard the voice of the Accuser suggesting that perhaps God was not as good and loving as He claimed to be. Maybe He was holding out on us.  Maybe there was really nothing wrong with forbidden pleasures. So I tried them. I stole a toy, or hid a cookie and then felt awful, like Eve.

"When I felt ashamed, I tried to hide by lying," I continued.

"Yes," our Father responded. Then He surprised me, as He always does in these conversations. "But not all hiding is lying.  "When you make treasure hunts for your children, you hide their presents and then give them clues.  Is that lying?"

"No, because my intent is always to give them the gift. I just want to do it in a way that is special and meaningful for them."

At that point the "verbal" part of our conversation ended, but I felt a download of revelation in my spirit.  I understood that God's intent is to reveal everything to His Beloved. Our Father greatly desires to be known!  This is why we were created - to share union with Him.  This is why Jesus came to us - to reveal the Father. God will not withhold anything from us, but He waits to reveal Himself until we are ready, until we are eager, until we are mature enough to understand.

Verses like these, which always seemed to good to be true, rang with new truth and hope and joy in my soul.

"I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you." John 15:15

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places,." Eph. 1:3

"Now we have received not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we might understand the things freely given us by God.....we have the mind of Christ." I Cor. 2:12, 16

I believe God's intent was always, ultimately, to share with us the tree of knowledge.  But we ate prematurely, before we could control ourselves, before we were fully convinced of the Father's goodness and love and wisdom.  Knowledge without love, without the redemption of the cross or the empowerment of the Holy Spirit, makes us warped and broken. So God in His love, hid the tree of life, not permanently, but until we were healed and transformed into the likeness of Christ, until living forever would be a blessing and not a curse.

What a beautiful, complete story - what a gift we have in scripture! The tragic story recorded in Genesis resolves with glory in John's Revelation.  The very last book in the Bible tells us what happens to the tree of life.

"Then he showed me a river of the water of life, clear as crystal, coming from the throne of God and of the Lamb,  in the middle of its street. On either side of the river was the tree of life, bearing twelve kinds of fruit, yielding its fruit every month; and the leaves of the tree were for the healing of the nations.  There will no longer be any curse; and the throne of God and of the Lamb will be in it, and His bond-servants will serve Him; they will see His face, and His name will be on their foreheads."  Rev. 22:1-4

Truly God is a Lover who will withhold nothing from His Beloved!

A Couple of Conversations

That God speaks to ordinary men should be the assumption of all Christians.  After all, Jesus' final words on earth were, "I am with you always."  But even on the day of Christ's ascension, Matthew tells us that His followers "worshiped Him, but some were doubtful." And so we too are doubtful - not about Christ's resurrection, but about His nearness, His presence, His active voice in our lives.

God speaks to His people in many ways.  YWH spoke with Moses "face to face, just as a man speaks with his friend." (Ex. 33:11)  Mary received a message from an angel whom she could see and hear.  God communicated to both Josephs through dreams  Paul and other saints have heard the audible voice of Jesus, or seen Him with their own eyes. But the most common way God speaks to us is through an internal voice.  This voice is often so quiet, so gentle and subtle, that we are quick to dismiss it as our own imagination. 

A healthy dose of skepticism is a safeguard.  People can get carried away by vain imaginations. Not every thought that enters our head is from God.  But it is a tragic mistake, a stunting obstacle to maturity, to always doubt and never trust that God our Father, Jesus our Brother, the Holy Spirit our Advocate are speaking to us.

In the next few posts I want to share a couple of recent conversations I have had with the Lord. But before I do, I think it might be helpful to explain how I discern whether the voice I hear in my head is from God, or from my own imagination, or from some place darker than that.  It is really very simple - I just ask the following questions.

1) Is what I am hearing in line with scripture?  Even better, does it open new revelation or insight into scripture I already know? Revelation and wisdom are gifts of the Holy Spirit.  If the voice I hear opens my ears to the word, or grants a clearer vision of Jesus and the Father, then I am confident it comes from God.

On the other hand, any voice which causes me to doubt scripture or sound doctrine must be rejected immediately.

2) Does this internal voice bring peace, joy, repentance or a hunger for righteousness?  If so, it is approved by the Holy Spirit.  Most thoughts originating from my own imagination, certainly all those which spring from the Accuser, lead to fear, worry, or perhaps anger and resentment.

3) Does the voice I hear cause me to love my brothers and sisters more deeply, or does it lead me to compare myself to others?

If the words I am hearing are in line with scripture and produce fruit in keeping with the Holy Spirit, then I am confident they come from the mind of Christ, which scripture assures us is ours. (I Cor. 2 :16) Thus I am fairly confident that the following internal conversation I had with the Lord a few days ago is safe and valid.

I was standing at my closet, facing a very busy day.  I felt overwhelmed, so I asked, "Father what should I wear today?"  Immediately I felt silly asking God such a small, inconsequential question, so I said something else....

"Father, how is it that You desire to be so close to us humans?  That you care about the details of our lives?"

"Amy," He responded, " are you always thinking of Me?"

"Yes, Lord," I replied. "You know my thoughts."

"How could it be that I love you any less than you love me?"

I was amazed, and humbled, and full of joy!  Scripture tells us that God knows us better than we know ourselves, that He loves us more than we, more than I, dare to believe.  Still, I needed to hear these words directly from my Father in order to embrace more  fully the assurance He has given us all.

O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thoughts from afar.
You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O Lord, You know it all. (Psalm 139:1-4)

Are not two sparrows sold for a cent? And yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows. (Matt. 10:29-31)