Recently my friend Gaby from Vienna shared this testimony with me. It fits well with the lessons the Lord is teaching our community about the Accuser of the Brethren. With her permission I am posting it here.
Some years ago I stumbled across a booklet by Watchmen Nee.
(I only have it in German, where it is called Liberation if translated literally. Probably the booklet is called Deliverance in the English print version.)
Nee wrote basically that like there is a law of the flesh, there exists also a law of Life. And as Christ’s Life in us follows a “law” – meaning an order it displays, a way it functions – we can attend the life in us “without hindrance,” “without contributing something to it.”
I wanted that; I needed that. I stretched out for it, more of it. Did you ever try hard not to try hard? Did you ever contribute to your attempt not to contribute? This must have been what I did, though not consciously, as then something eye-opening happened.
God let a thorn be run into the thinnest part of my skin: injustice
Within a few days I was criticized unendingly, for this and for that and for nothing and on every level. I was criticized by friends, at work, and at the Prayer-House. Things I had done were a problem, things I had not done were a problem, and things I had done differently were a different problem. It wasn’t even about me; people were under pressure and the one they could pass it on to was me.
Then I came to the point were I found it was enough. I decided for myself that I had a right to be angry. What I mean by right to be angry is not the emotion; what I mean is the right to unforgiveness.
This was a deliberate sin I chose, yet what followed was not deliberate, but shocking. I had opened the door to evil just a gap and in flowed all hell. In a short time I found myself wrapped in hatred. I had believed this hatred to be long ago history; and I didn’t even recognize myself.
I was devastated until I understood that the Lord was teaching me. He seemed to say to me, “This IS the flesh, do you understand? Do you still think that you can contribute anything good? Do you think you can add anything, which is not ME? Do you think the outcome will be justice?”
This had been a drastic demonstration, but it showed the mere truth: All I can contribute is the problem; He alone is the solution! As my Prayer House mentor uses to say, “I only receive, and even that is His enabling!”
And if anyone doubted on God seeking to show us the intention of our heart, here you go! The reason for this steep descent was not only my will - it was the “why” behind it!
I did not seek God’s will in all of what happened with the endless criticisms. I did not even seek His answers. I sought to save myself – and drowned.
But what He showed me so drastically was what I “know” and yet believe only half-way: When I try to do bad or good out of myself the result will be the same. There is no good in my Adamic nature. And faster than I think I can serve the enemy. Not Him. Not even myself! My “I” will never be able to live in peace and love with anyone!
All I can do is receive Him in me… all it takes is an obedient “Yes”.
He knocks. I open the door.
For thus said the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel, “In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.”
Isaiah 30:15 ESV